Struggling to Understand

I've told myself I would NEVER post about this particular issue that I'm about to, but I'm at a complete loss as to what to do (hoping my fellow military spouses and awesome readers can help to shed some light). I could literally write a book on this, so I'm going to TRY to give a condensed overview...here goes!

I met my husband through a mutual friend, and knew he was someone special (obviously since here we are years later and married) that I wanted to get to know further. After multiple attempts from my husband, we went out on a date and one thing led to another. I met my husbands parents after a few weeks, and wasn't totally sold, but it wasn't his parents I was dating so I didn't give much thought. Months later we were engaged, and happy as could be...except not everyone was happy. My family was beyond thrilled and couldn't wait to have him as a son (I'm 1 of 3 girls, so my dad was excited to have a guy around), while my husbands family reacted like we had just announced we committed a brutal crime. My MIL wanted nothing, and I mean NOTHING to do with the wedding (planning, picking out my dress, decorations, shower, etc.). I was devastated and immediately started questioning what I had done so wrongly to have her feel this way towards me marrying her son. We had multiple conversations with his parents as to why his mom hated the fact we were getting married...she made every excuse in the book and only justified her actions (there is no justification).

As a result, I had no desire to plan the wedding, didn't care who was there, and just wanted the whole thing to be over (not what I had envisioned the happiest day of a girls life to be like). Thankfully, I have a wonderful family who jumped right in and took over. I admit, I pushed back but when I look back it was all because I didn't feel I deserved anything as nice as what my family provided for the wedding. My mom made all the flowers, decorated the tables, planned the food, and organized everything...it was amazing.

When the big day came, my family was there on time and ready to go. My husbands family was late, and segregated themselves from my family. His mom didn't talk to me and his dad followed her command. Our reception was in the same church we got married in so it was super nice and nobody had to drive anywhere. Before the reception was over, his parents evaporated. No congratulations, no goodbye, no nothing...and they didn't even give us a card!! I felt bad for my husband, and even more embarrassed when people asked where his parents were.

As a supportive military wife, I had a BIG going away party for my husband and invited all his friends and family to our home. It was a get turnout :) Despite his family's feelings towards me, I invited his entire family and most showed up. Nobody talked to anyone from my family, they didn't say a single word to me or thank me for the invitation (when I said hi they walked away...real mature), and they sat huddled in the living room obviously avoiding anyone who wasn't family. I knew it was going to be a long deployment with no support from his family, but I had my own family and that was more than enough. I made a commitment to myself that day, that I wasn't going to let his mom dictate our marriage.

So here we are today...and absolutely nothing has changed. In fact, it's only gotten worse!

My husband left shortly after our wedding for Camp Lejeune and was only home a handful of weeks between May and December, before he deployed. His mom didn't call or send him emails, she didn't ask when or if he would be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, or even care to ask when he was leaving the country and for how long. I would get so mad and upset that I would cry over how unloving a mother could be to their children. I was raised to be kind, have an open heart, and love those closest to you because you never know when their last day will be. I just didn't get it! Christmas came around, and I wasn't even invited...yes that's right, I wasn't invited! I had found out when Christmas was from my husbands brothers wife (if that makes sense...and her husband is also deployed) and still up to the week of Christmas I hadn't heard a word as to when they were celebrating the holidays. My husband returned home just days before Christmas, and due to the circumstances we spent Christmas with my family (we didn't even visit his). Days before my husband was to leave again and this time for many many months, I called his mom in a rage of anger. I didn't yell, I didn't scream, but I my emotions were running high as I asked her why she hasn't called, emailed, or let alone come visit her son before he was to leave the country (they live 20 minutes from us, so it's not like they have to drive hours to see him). She got mad and hung up on me, yes a grown women hung the phone up on me. My husband made plans with his dad for all four of us to have dinner before he left, and it was a silent dinner (she would have preferred me not be there so it would be just them and my husband). She didn't say a single word which didn't bother me, but what did was that she didn't even hug him goodbye. He left the next day and hasn't talked to them until today, which brings me to why I'm telling you this big long story.

My husband tries to call me once during the week to see how I'm doing, and I praise him for it. My weeks are long, so it's something I look forward to very much. In the middle of our conversation today my husband told me he talked to his mom...silence fell and tension filled in the air. I don't understand the relationship between my husband and his mom, and I'm not sure I ever will. The thought if her irritates me, and maybe it's because she's caused a lot of tension between my husband and I, or maybe it's because she makes known that I'm not welcome in their home, or because she discloses that she doesn't care for me. I don't know...but what I do know is I refuse to let her ruin our marriage. We are better than that, and much better than her petty little games. I'm beyond lost for words, and don't know how to overcome the feelings I have towards her. I never thought getting married would be this challenging, or emotional...and all because of one person...the MIL. The saddest part of all this, is she treats her other daughter in-law the exact same way (her husband is currently deployed with the Army).

How do I find peace and forgive someone that has done so much wrong? Have you ever experienced anything like this? Please tell me I'm not alone! (If you want to email rather than comment please do...I'll take any suggestions you can give)

12 comments:

  1. You are not alone! I'm having the same problem, except it's MY parents who are being the jerks, not his. They think I'm rushing it. That I'm not ready. That I will regret getting married so soon. They have no interest in helping me plan or helping me financially so I'm planning our wedding with my man's family instead. It hurts not having their support but I love my fiance' and I know we can make it work. That's what matters.

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    1. It amazes me that parents can act the way they do...I always think as a parent you want the best for you're children and for them to be happy. They don't always have to agree, but at least be happy that your happy. By the way, I LOVE your wedding shoes...they're so cute!

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  2. I can 100% relate! My MIL was furious when we got married and still holds resentment and it has been almost 5 years now. We barely speak to his parents or his brother and SIL. It really is sad but they are the ones that are missing our. Don't let her get to you, I know your heart hurts for your husband but you can't let it bring you down. Let her be a miserable person she obviously has no desire to change.

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    1. I'm so glad it's not just me!! It's so sad that families get like this....my husbands sister is getting married this year and she picked a date that her brothers won't be able to attend, it's a never-ending cycle. It makes me so sad that as a parent she wants no part of her son's life. She will look back one day and regret the things she missed out on, and then it will be too late.

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  3. Ugh I totally understand. My MIL isn't mean to me but she just does not care. She doesn't care about me, doesn't care about her son, she didn't care when he deployed, she didn't care when he got home. Completely shocking. I don't get it either. Hugs!

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    1. It makes absolutely no sense! I've struggled to understand, but I'm not sure I will ever get it...I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone :)

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  4. OH GIRL - I could write a book on this too. My situation is a little bit different than yours, but my MIL hates me all the same.

    Our relationship started off good, but my husband is her only son and her husband died a long time ago, so Carl (my husband) is her EVERYTHING. She started to become overbearing and was in my mind stepping her boundaries. She isn't rich (we aren't either) so we had to buy her and my husband's other two family members plane tickets to our wedding. WHICH IS FINE, I'm not upset about the spending money part. I'm upset because we took our own money, that we don't have much of, and spent it on her so that she could come and she was a bitch to me the entire time. She didn't say a WORD to me the entire time I was here. And then all of a sudden she gets home and starts bashing me via FACEBOOK. A grown ass 50 year old woman bashing me via facebook. Real Mature. That's awesome. And basically we haven't talked since.

    So seven months after this big blow out she sends me a letter and I still haven't read it. I don't feel the need to honestly. I called her after she talked crap to me on facebook and left her a voicemail and told her to call me back and she didn't. She had the opportunity and she didn't take it.

    Here's how I feel about the entire situation: My MIL caused a lot of tension between my husband and I, to the point where I got the maddest at my husband that I had ever been. I was mad at my husband because I felt like it was his place to STAND UP FOR ME. He did end up standing up for me. But I hated putting him in that position and I hated the fact that this woman that barely knows me was saying such evil things about me and making me feel like shit. There was a point where I wanted to talk to her and I reached out and she didn't reach back out to me. So I decided to get over it.

    My mom is my best friend and if Carl ever asked me to stop talking to my mom I would flat out say no. And I would never ask him of that. But I did ask him to keep his relationship with his mom separate from me. He doesn't talk to her on the phone around me and if he wants to visit her, he can go but I'm not.

    This might seem REALLY HARSH, but if you knew the things she said and did you wouldn't blame me. I'm not saying I won't forgive her FOREVER, but this is what needs to be done for right now.

    This is how I feel: I have plenty of people that love me and I need to focus on those people. I can't give my MIL all my attention or force her to like me because it is downright not healthy. My MIL made me cry so much and she made me so unhappy and I just woke up one day and was like why am I wasting so much time on this woman that doesn't like me? It's just unnecessary. And for her to try and reach out 7 months later, I just feel like I'm finally at a good healthy place with my husband and I and I don't need to her to intervene in that again. My marriage comes first. And that's that!

    I'm not saying you have to completely cut her out the way I did, but it might be a good solution for the time being.

    I DO hope that my MIL and I can fix our problem before Carl and I start popping out kiddos and what not. But right now is not the time.

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    1. OH MY GOSH...I'm not totally alone in having a MIL from you know where!!!! I got rid of FB for the same reason (among other things) and I'm so glad I did. I could care less what she says about me to everyone because I will always know that I am better than her. My husband and I have had more discussions/arguments regarding his mom than anything else. In fact, she's the ONLY thing we ever argue about. How dumb is that?!! Its nearly a year after we've been married, and it's gotten even worse between everyone. His entire family doesn't even talk to me, and they constantly talk trash to him about me...his WIFE.

      OOOOOhhhhhhh, I'm so glad I'm not alone in this! :)

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    2. Yeah you're definitely not girl. I know it's hard, but just stay strong and remember your marriage is all that matters. At the end of the day it's her loss because she is ruining opportunities for herself to create wonderful memories with you and the hubby. I'm always here if you need to talk girl!

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    3. Thank you so very much...I love blog friends!! :)

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  5. I know that has definitely got to be really hard to deal with! I would say pray and just keep praying that God will soften their hearts and show them their wrong ways! It may take a while but he will start changing them little by little!

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    1. Thank you for all the kind words :)

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